Whenever I eat peanut butter,

It makes me stutter and stutter.

Am I wrong in the head

To keep eating that spread?

I reckon I must be a nutter!

I’m booked to fly on the 8.15

from Earth to Venus via Mars.

I’ve got myself a window seat

with a good view of the stars.

And then it’s on to Neptune,

Just in time for tea.

I hope my pet dog Pluto

will be waiting there for me.

I have my seat belt fastened,

a voice calls “Three, two, one…”

and then the spaceship’s flying,

far away beyond the sun!

Hannah had a hammer,

Sally had a saw,

Alex had an axe,

And chopped down my front door.

Charlie had a chisel,

Gertie had some glue,

Neil had some nails,

And fixed it up like new.

Dinosaurs

Had great big claws

And tails that thumped

And bumped.

Some had wings

And scaly things

And scary jaws

For roars.

How awesome

If we saw some

And lived again

Back then.

We’d make sure

We hid before

A stegosaurus

Saw us!

Cats are sly and selfish,

Creeping through the night.

They don’t love their owners,

They just spit and fight.

Trust me when I tell you,

Henceforth and moreover —

Cats are hideous things!

(Signed) Yours truly,

          Rover

‘Twas the night before Christmas when Bertram Bean

Lost his left ear — it was nowhere to be seen!

‘Silent Night’ was no joke, as poor Bertram found;

Now his left ear was missing, so was the sound.

“My ear must be somewhere!” Bertram insisted.

He searched high and low; for hours he persisted.

He ran down to the shops, went into each one,

But no one sold ears; all the people made fun.

At last in a hardware store, men solved his plight;

With hammer and saw they worked right through the night,

Then wired it for Dolby(R) — a great idea;

“Here,” they told Bertram, “have a Happy New Ear!”

A pear

appeared

to peer

at me.

One more

appeared

and peered

at me.

A pair of pears

now peered at me.

How odd that pears

could peer

in pairs.

Tell me how to make a wish

When I’m eating liquorice.

My lips are black,

My gums are slack,

And all my words are gibberish.

I met a man with seven heads

Who had to sleep in seven beds.

But even worse, he had five legs,

Which an urgent question begs:

Can five legs fit on seven beds,

Or should he lose two of his heads?

There’s nothing more scary

Than a hairy canary —

It’s really very clear.

Even an eagle,

Disguised as a beagle,

Had better not come too near.